How much of the mental load are you carrying? I'm telling you right now as a SAHM when my kids were small to now a working mom of adult children, going to work and associating with adults every day is FAR FAR easier than being home raising the kids. I don't care how tough your job is. The fact that you can go home and get away from it every single day makes it easier than the 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job that is being the default parent.

You should probably ask your wife how equal she feels things have been. In the end nobody outside your marriage can really make that determination. But if you've felt like going to work every day is your contribution and you let her do all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing, story reading, teeth brushing, vacation planning, doctor's appointments, school/extra curricular dropoffs/pick ups, homework, lunch packing, meal prep, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, bill paying, medical bills follow up, etc. you might be in trouble.

Gratitude is an interesting topic. And the way you phrased your question makes it sound like you want sex as a payment of gratitude. I hope that's not the case, because it certainly doesn't work that way. I'm not sure why that's the vibe I got since you certainly didn't say it.

I believe both partners should say thank you to each other for their contributions. Obviously if one person isn't pulling their weight, it's hard to thank them for doing the bare minimum.

I mean the fact is that if it's something you should do because you'd have to if you lived alone (basic care and cleaning) then you probably shouldn't expect much. But if you're going above and beyond to make your spouse's life easier then definitely more gratitude is in order.

For example, simply cleaning up the kitchen after dinner is a task that needs to be done every night. You'd have to do it if you were single. So would she. A simple thank you should suffice.

For me, feelings of gratitude came up all the time in my last relationship because he constantly did things to make my life easier. I never had to worry about the cars, he simply took care of them. I didn't have to worry about grocery shopping. He simply kept track of what we needed and picked it up when we were out.

We had both been in relationships where our spouse took advantage of us, so we were used to doing literally everything. So anything either of us did was received with gratitude.

In my marriage to my children's father, on the other hand, he wanted me to be grateful when he "babysat" his own kids, which he almost never did. He thought if he cleaned up dinner dishes one night, I should swoon, even though I did it 99% of the time.

I'm not sure what your household looks like, so I can't really make a judgement call, but maybe you can pick between the two examples and see which one fits your situation more closely.

I've written a couple articles about looking at your life and understanding that if your wife and you split up, you will have to do literally everything you're currently doing, plus everything she's currently doing, plus child care alone half the time. If you're going to have to do it because she gets tired of pulling your weight, you should step up and do it now. A partnership is far easier than doing it alone - if you're both pulling your weight.

If her load will be cut in half when she leaves you and yours will be doubled then there's a serious imbalance that needs to be addressed before it's too late.

Not sure if any of that helps, but it's definitely worth opening up a dialogue with your wife if you've never addressed how she's feeling about her role as homemaker. Better to do it now than after she's planning to leave.

Many women will suck it up so they can be home with their kids, but are planning to leave once the kids are raised. By then it will be too late to work it out. I was making plans to leave years before I actually left.