You seem to be asking these questions in good faith, so I will answer them in good faith.
1. It was more of a rf in hindsight because he would send me flowers at every new job to stake his claim. He needed everyone at work to know I was taken. Had he sent them to me at home, it would have been a nice gesture instead of a display simply for show.
I wrote an article about it https://medium.com/@katie.l.wilder/i-can-buy-myself-flowers-aa1037c9ee81
2. He did listen to me. The problem was he tried to BECOME me. He needed to create a soul mate connection so that I wouldn't question the problems that arose. It's typical love bombing. If you read the other comments you'll see that a lot of women have experienced the same. They become your perfect match so you become far too connected far too quickly. It's all part of the game.
And we shared money, so we spent OUR money on the shows. He did not just pay for them. We saw local plays our kids were in, we held season tickets to certain theatres and we also traveled to see touring shows we wanted to see. But yes, we both paid for them.
3. It's hard to explain fully this demand on my time to deal with his hurt feelings. Honestly I've always been a bit avoidant, so I knew that I had a history of not being there emotionally when my partner needed me. He also knew that I felt this way and simply just preyed on it. I was doing what I thought was right for the relationship. It just so happened that I was constantly running in circles so I didn't have time to really address my own feelings - but he was sure clear on his at all times. You also need to understand that we talked a lot. Not just at these times, but in general. I've never felt more emotionally connected to someone in my life, which is what made it so difficult to see everything that was deteriorating around me. It also made it extremely difficult to leave him. By the time I left, I was completely dependent on him for all of my physical and emotional needs. Thank god I had my own financial resources or I don't know if I could have gotten away.
4. I'm not sure why they didn't talk to me. They said they tried - which I believe - but the problem was he had my ear. From early on he started putting little bugs in my ear about how this thing they did or expected wasn't normal, so I started questioning whether or not I was a good parent in general. You have to understand that these men (and women) turn you against yourself. They need you to stop trusting your own intuition, so they tear you down in very small, subtle ways, that you don't notice. Honestly, I didn't fully see all the ways he'd torn me down until after I'd left him.
5. It starts slowly and then infiltrates everything. And in many cases we "agreed" on a course of action. He was a very skilled manipulator. We'd have a 10 hour discussion and at the end agree to xxx course of action. But then the course of action I THOUGHT we were taking would be expanded to include other things. Until you experience it, you can't really understand. It's a total mind f***.
With my master's degree in particular, it kept coming up because I was half way finished and wanted to complete it. But then we'd talk about it and he'd say, "You don't love accounting. You aren't passionate about it. Why pursue higher education?" And since school is exhausting, I'd eventually agree and say, "Yeah, maybe I shouldn't finish it. It will be a lot of work", etc. But in actuality, I wanted to finish it (and did so as soon as I left him). But he constantly wore me down until I agreed with him.
We separated several times over the course of the relationship. That's part of the cycle. They push your boundaries as far as they can until you say ENOUGH. Then they grovel and apologize and tell you they'll change. And in some ways they do. But I'd call it evolving more than changing. They now know they can't get away with THAT, but what about THIS?
Yes, we did counseling. The problem in these relationships is it becomes very difficult to label the problem. What was the problem exactly? He did everything around the house. He was emotionally available to talk for hours at a time. For all intents and purposes he seemed like a great partner. All the while digging his claws in more and more, isolating me more and more. I'm falling into a great depression, but can't figure out why because he takes such great care of me. It's a mind f***. and of course everyone outside of the situation thinks he's the greatest thing since buttered toast, which leaves you wondering what's wrong with you that you don't feel that way too.
Nothing was right from the start, other than the silent treatment manipulation. That was the first thing that my friends and family all said - get out. Something's not right here. But then I broke up with him over it and he never did it again. Wish I would have stayed broken up.
6. I did vet him as much as I could. He was from Texas and we lived in Utah, so I only ever met the mother of his children. Her family still loves him. They talk often. He hung out with his ex brother in law all the time. For all intents and purposes, it looked like she was the ahole in the marriage and he came out smelling like roses.
7. I didn't want to break up with him in person because I knew him well enough to know that he was very persuasive and manipulative. I honestly don't know how he did it. But we broke up probably at least 10 times over the course of our relationship. And he managed to lure me back in every single time. He made meaningful changes (or so it seemed), so I simply thought he was an imperfect man willing to work on himself. Which he was - but only to the point of keeping me entangled with him.
It did feel like grade school.
I have him blocked now, but he has begged me not to block him each time we've broken up because he wanted to be able to reach me if something bad ever happened. I'm not sure what kind of bad thing would happen that he thinks I'd want to know about, but it seemed harmless enough of a request. Until I realized he just wanted to maintain access to me.
You really start to question every single thing they ever say or do because there's always an underlying control tactic behind it. They really are a wolf in sheep's clothing. This man would not kill a spider. He would catch them and put them outside. He was vegan. He was sweet and emotional and vulnerable with me. Putting the pieces together after we were finally done for good, was a literal slap in the face. My daughter was the first to mention it after she read some of his texts to me. She said, "He sounds like a covert narcissist." She has a degree in psychology, so I figured I should probably look into it and was absolutely astonished to see that my experience was not at all unique. As you can see in these comments - women experience this with their partners every single day. It's crazy.
